Weapons Grade Life (Script)

█ Xavier █ Robby █ Dr. H Pollis █ Maddie █ Hospital Announcer █ Robby's Friend 1 █ Robby's Friend 2 █ Unnamed Citizen 1 █ Unnamed Citizen 2 █ Unnamed Citizen 3 █ Unnamed Child █ Unnamed Mother █ Unnamed Elder Citizen █ T-Shirt Vendor █ Onion Vendor █ Chili Corn Cone Egg Vendor █ Chilli Cone Corn Egg Vendor █ Arrow Vendor █ Military Man █ Police Officer

 Xavier: lt's the drumbeat to which our spirits dance. lt's only the size of a fist but it packs a lot more punch. Some folks say its every beat is the sound of God kicking an angel in the face. My heart's beating to heal the suffering. l want to spread that beating around to those less fortunate than...

 Robby: And so the Rabbi said, No, you have chicken mouth.

 Xavier: Hey, you ruffians, leave that poor gimp alone.

Who you calling gimp, weirdo?

 Xavier: He probably can't tell you're mocking him. He's obviously slow.

Robby's not slow. He's a genius.

 Xavier: Well, he's got a funny way of showing it. Look. l'm not 'tarded like Robby here, so l know that a group of strapping bucks as cool as you would never waste your time with a boy whose legs are as dead as a Thanksgiving turkey with all the trimmings.

You apologize right now.

 Xavier: l'll never apologize for defending the weak, the meek, and the useless. Plus, l'm a board-certified Wahakamana healer, and the winds of fate have sent me here to... [ chanting ] Get your hands off his leg, you perv!

Take that.

Taste the pain.

 Robby: lt's cranberry sauce.

Take that.

Come on, Robby. Let's go wash the poor.

 Robby: l'll catch up to you guys. l apologize about my friends, mister. They're just protective. So what are you?

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: l'm the answer to all your prayers, blown into your dead lap by the winds of fortune to be your life crutch.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Robby: Let me get those facial abrasions sutured.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: Cute. You want to help me. The pupil emulates the master.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Robby: Come on. My dad's a doctor. His office is right over here.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: This is your pop's chop shop, huh?

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Robby: Yeah. He's a Christian-scientist doctor. He heals with prayer.

Paging Dr. Hollis. We're ready for the operation.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Robby: Oh, shoot. l got to -- l got to go make water.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: Spray it. Don't say it. Poor kid's nervous around his new life mystic. Peep show.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Dr. Pollis: Okay, this is gonna be a routine double bypass. Bow your heads, please. Dear Lord, we just want to thank you for your guiding touch. Let's get on with it. Scalpel, Lord. And oh, Lord, we just pray you can make a lateral incision in the chestical cavity. And in this time of need, oh, Lord, we just pray you replace the arterial valice with a synthetic flange grappler. l said arterial valice, Lord. What, did you switch to decaf? Come on!

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: [ thinking ] l'd like to see this guy pray an abortion.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Dr. Pollis: Wipe, Lord? Hoagie, Lord?

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: This guy's pretty good. Of course, l would have gone with the grinder.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Dr. Pollis: And sew him up. ln your Almighty name we pray. Amen. You're gonna live. Stay off that knee for a week.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Robby: Oh! How much did you see?

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: How much did you see?

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Robby: lt's just Christian science. That's all. Okay, you caught me. lt's all a trick. lt's just strings and magnets. See? l do it all.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: Pretty ingenious, kid. Your brain's doing all the legwork around here.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Robby: lf my dad found out l was using science to help him with his Christian science, he'd be crushed. Promise you won't tell him about all this. Daddy can't ever know about my lab. He thinks science is evil, and the Lord heals all.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: How does he explain the fact that his own son's legs make me want to puke all over them?

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Robby: He never says that. These are my inventions. This is spreadable bread. And it's self-eating.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: Amazing. l feel so full. l got to use the bathroom.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Robby: l got that covered.

[ toilet flushes ]

But my greatest ambition l don't know if l'll ever achieve.l want to make life in a petri dish out of inert chemicals.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: Kid, life is just death in drag. Don't do any weird stuff like that.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Robby: That's dangerous!

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: Needs coconut. Tastes a little bitter. lt could use some coconut.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Robby: Maybe a fibrous protein is just what it needs. A coconut wouldn't work. But coco-nut, my artificial coconut spread, might. Life! That did it! l created life!

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: Oh, yeah? One time l created something, called a thurrito. lt's a burrito within a burrito within the heart of that same burrito. lt's a total mind-blinder, but you don't hear me bragging about it all over your face.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Robby: l just think this is pretty significant.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: You're not better than me, okay? Just 'cause you created life doesn't make you some kind of God. There's more to life than life.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Robby: l didn't mean to make you jealous. l just --

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: Condescension -- The last refuge of the differently abled. Crypical. Don't talk down to me from down there on your sparkling high horse. You are just as ugly on the inside as you are on the outside.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Robby: l feel l'm reasonably attractive.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: Oh, yeah? Stand up and say that to my face. Oh, yeah, l forgot. You can't stand. So maybe l have a memory problem, but at least l can -- Uh, l can do the...

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Robby: Stand?

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: No, thanks, guy. l'm beat. Now where was l? Oh, yeah, l was walking out of here. Your thurrito- hating ego-tude just turned your guardian angel into your guardian enemy.

Your heart feels like exploding

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Robby: You'd be so proud of me, mom. l'm not gonna be another Einstein.

lt's not just my heart that's hardening.

[ bell dings ]

Another devil's-food cake, doctor? lt's your third one today.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Dr. Pollis: l'm hooked on these. What's the secret?

l fill each cake with a dozen deviled eggs.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Dr. Pollis: That's what it is! Well, l tell you. l'd swim through a lake full of water for these cakes. That's the only thing that would put out the raging fire in my belly for these cakes.

That's an odd thing to say.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: Doc, your son showed me his private places, and now l'm going to show them to you.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Dr. Pollis: Magnets and wires! So Robby was controlling everything. lt's all lies.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: Now he's playing the ultimate liar. He's playing God right underneath your nose.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Dr. Pollis: So all this God stuff was a lie? lt's all just science? My life is a lie. They're all gonna laugh at me! l can't live like that. l can't live!

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: Listen, bro. Good hang, but l got to motor. Got to take a float on a gloat boat in lake just desserts. Heard your dad found out about your lab of lies.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Robby: What? ls he mad?

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: He'll get over it.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Dr. Pollis: All that is real is annihilation.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Robby: Do you think so?

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: Know so.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Robby: Dad?!

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: Just like you'll get over that. You need to move on from losing your father back there. You need closure.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Robby: Closure?! The explosion hasn't even ended yet. lt sure seems like that explosion is lasting a long time.

Hey, look, mom. This explosion ain't stopping.

Would you mind taking a photo of me and my wife with the ever-explosion?

T-shirts! Get your ever-explosion t-shirts!

Red-hot ever-booming exploding-onion on a stick!

Chili corn cone egg! Ever-explosion of flavor!

Don't get a chili corn cone egg! Get a chili cone corn egg!

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: [ thinking ] That heartbeat...it's -- My God. Listen up. This is not an ordinary explosion. lt's alive.

Shut up!

That weirdo's got a hard-on for the explosion!

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: Please. You're making it angry. Your making its soul angry.

Angry? Explosion's too stupid to get angry.

That thing has no more soul than an exploding monkey!

[ laughter ]

They're all gonna laugh at me!

[ distorted voice ]

[ laughs ]

Oh, my God. lt's alive!

l knew it!

Out of the way! We're gonna blow it up!

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: You're just making it stronger. Don't worry, everyone. l'll kill the explosion. But how What does an explosion want? What is ever-explosion bait? l'd swim through a lake full of water for these cakes.

That's the only thing that would put out the raging fire in my belly for these cakes.

That's an odd thing to say.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: Thanks, Maddy.

This will lure him to the lake. Yoo-hoo, come and get it.

Does anyone know how to get to the lake? Does anyone know how to get to the lake? Do you know how to get to the lake? Do you know how to get to the lake? Does anyone know how to get to the lake? Oh, no, l'm headed right towards the cyclone. Does anyone know how to get to the lake? Can you tell me how to get to the lake?

How are you going to get there? By car?

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: l'm driving right now.

Okay, first, you're going to want to get in your car.

Then, you're gonna want to start your car.

A lot of people get halfway to the lake, and they realize they forgot to start their car.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: What?

l'm just joshing you. That's just lake humor.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: Oh, l'll find it myself.

Man, l'll never sell these arrows. Aah!

[ tires screech ]

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Robby: Enough. Listen. l created you. You're my mistake. Dad?

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: Your father cursed God. He abandoned all he believes in. Don't trust him. He wants to explode us all.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Robby: Listen, dad. As your son and your creator, l realize l was wrong to disrespect your religion. Now that l created life, l now believe in God, 'cause l believe in me. lt'll be okay if you just surrender your heart to God. We can start over.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: You know, this is pretty good for cake. lt actually works.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Robby: Come here and give me a hug, dad -- me and belief.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: Frittata!

[ roars ]

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Robby: Sorry l had to do this, dad, but l can't let the army get a hold of a weapon as powerful as you. l promised mom l wouldn't be another Einstein.

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: At least he died with God in his heart. You can taste it. Could use a little coconut.

What just happened here?

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: Uh, nothing. l mean, l just ate the heart of an explosion.

The heart of an explosion

<p style="text-align:center;"> <p style="text-align:center;">Xavier: Always tough to kill your dad, but you made the right choice, kid. l guess your brain isn't as dumb as your legs. Just don't go entering your legs in any spelling bees. Might get stung. But don't worry. As your spiritual father, l will always be here with you. Well, l got to ramble. They say when you die, you [bleep] your pants, but not me. l'm gonna [bleep] my heart.